the Complete Big Boss Facts:
While it is widely known, Big Boss is actually the best, hands-down, around and in town, certain groups and people still believe Chuck Norris is superior. However, certain facts have arisen as of late, proving Big Boss' domination, and sentencing Norris to a life time of pathetic Second Place. We would've awarded Bruce Lee with 1st place but currently he is not in this dimension.
After Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked every doctor in the face and exclaimed" nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris", shortly thereafter he grew a beard. Big Boss delivered his self and he was born with a beard.
Chuck Norris can read minds. Big Boss can't, but only because he doesn't care what you think.
Chuck Norris beat Metal Gear Solid in 6 hours. That doesn't sound impressive, but you have to note he was using the TV remote at the time. Logically however seeing as Big Boss is part of the Metal Gear games, he must have beat them instantly without even doing anything.
If it smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken and looks like chicken and Chuck Norris says it's beef, then it's beef. Big Boss is never wrong about what type of meat it is.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter. Big Boss decided it was not butter.
Give Chuck Norris two minutes, and he can be taken out Spider-Man. Give Big Boss ten seconds, and he can take out an entire army.
On a celebrity edition of Wheel of fortune, Chuck Norris Spun the wheel for 29 minutes straight. Big Boss was on last weeks episode, NASA has calculated the wheel will stop spinning around the same time the sun burns out.
Chuck Norris decides who lives. Big Boss decides who is born.
While it may be true that when Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's, when Big Boss goes into McDonald's he just gets what he wants regardless of the time.
While it may be true that when Chuck Norris has sex with a man it won't be because he is gay, it will be because he has run out of women, it is also true that when Big Boss has run out of woman he will make more.
If the energies of two Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks collide, the universe would cease to exist. Big Boss can achieve the same thing with his right ear.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes. If looked at, one second of Big Boss' C.Q.C would short circuit the entire universe.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. Considering Big Boss has always been, everyday is his birthday and as such he selects one lucky sun to to be tossed into an even bigger sun.
While when Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down, when Big Boss does a press-up it doesn't matter where the Earth is, everyone is dead.
Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks. Big Boss, on the other hand, doesn't do anything by accident.
While it is impressive how Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick, Big Boss however will Morse code C.Q.C to the face.
It is rumored Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it. Big Boss's hair however is too strong for him to even take it out of his own skin in the first place.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Big Boss sells his urine also, as weapons grade plutonium.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about, when he could speak. He annoyed Big Boss, now he is a mute.
Chuck Norris cannot kill grues. Big Boss, however, can scare off grues just by brushing his teeth.
Chuck Norris can kill ninjas in about 3-8 hours. Big Boss, however, has never killed a ninja, because they commit seppuku at the sight of him.
Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers. Big Boss respects endangered species, so he only hunts overpopulated ones, namely humans.
Chuck Norris once wrassled with cavemen. Big Boss told them all to "get a damn job," thus creating modern man.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. Big Boss is the reason why Waldo is found.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Big Boss however, has unlimited speeds. He could walk, sidestep, run...
stab, C.Q.C, roundhouse kick(oh wait that's Chuck Norris), kill, shoot....
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday." Big Boss however calls this "blinking with my right eye."
Big Boss is the only other person besides Chuck Norris that Mr.T doesn't pity.
It takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes. It takes Big Boss twenty seconds to watch a Dave Chappele one hour special, listen to a Martin Luther King Jr. speech, and apologize to all the people he has killed.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father. Big Boss never was a virgin.
Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Big Boss's tears can cure cancer, paralysis, mental illnesses...
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom. Big Boss doesn't need condoms; He is invulnerable to all STDs and he can chose if he wants the girl to be impregnated or not by scaring the female's egg back to the ovaries. Plus theres a low chance anyone can survive sex with Big Boss.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German plane by pointing with his finger and saying "Bang". Big Boss knocked the MIR space station out of orbit by glaring at it
Big Boss has slept mostly for his all life, and has only gotten a few scratches, and an eye lost on Him. There is no need for this "waiting" bullshit that Chuck Norris has, Big Boss has never heard the word "wait".
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Big Boss. Big Boss doesn't need closets, because he wears his entire arsenal and wardrobe on his body.
Big Boss' hand is the only hand that can beat a Chuck Norris Flush.
Chuck Norris's watch has no numbers, it just says "Time to kick ass!". Big Boss doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Big Boss invented his own type of Jujitsu. It's called Boss-Will-Kill. It is infinity times better than Chuck-Will-****.
If Chuck Norris and Mr. T enter a bar, it explodes. Big Boss only needs himself to achieve that.
Some people wear Superman pajamas, Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas, Chuck Norris wears Big Boss pajamas.
Chuck Norris may have divided by zero, but Big Boss can divide you in half using less effort.
When Chuck Norris files his taxes, he sends in a blank return and a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never had to pay taxes. This year, however, the IRS sent him back a picture of Big Boss, and Chuck Norris shot himself.
When he was a child, Big Boss had some leftover play-dough. The end result was Chuck Norris.
If Big Boss and Chuck Norris ever get within 10 miles of one another, Chuck Norris will break his own neck to avoid capture
Some people claim Chuck Norris is better because he's a real life person and Big Boss is just a fictional character. In reality, that's exactly what Big Boss WANTS you to believe.
There we go.In the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny, it takes Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight, Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie Leader, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, RoboCop, The Terminator, James T. Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, Every Single Power Ranger, Bill S. Preston, Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock and Hulk Hogan to bring Chuck Norris down. It would take all the aforementioned people, combined into one and cloned 100 times to cause Big Boss to break a sweat.
When Chuck Norris found out about the Chuck Norris "Facts", he chuckled and read some of his favorite ones. When Big Boss heard about the Big Boss facts, he contributed his own instead of just reading on and on without doing anything with it. Like this one.
It turns out that big Boss and Chuck Norris are locked in a classic Scissor Paper Rock scenario. To expound, their dilemma goes as follows.
Big Boss defeats Chuck Norris, as discussed in the above article.
Solid Snake defeats Big Boss, just like in the Metal Gear games.
Samuel L. Jackson defeats snakes of all kinds, hence defeats Solid Snake. Especially if they are on a plane.
MacGyver defeats Samuel L. Jackson, because he can build Samuel L. Jackson’s plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, and just as easily dismantle it.
And finally, Chuck Norris defeats Dwayne Herman, because MacGyver can build a plane out of paper clips and bubblegum, but Chuck Norris can kill him and steal it.
To simplify, Big Boss > Chuck Norris > MacGwver > Samuel L. Jackson > Solid Snake > Big Boss.
Naturally this dilemma pisses off all parties involved in this paradox.
For decades scientists have debated the meaning of this conundrum, and what its implications will mean to humanity. Though none are conclusive, they have proposed the following theories.
Big Boss is simply letting the others in the paradox exist because he thinks it’s funnier that way.
Solid Snake is too badass to care about this paradox, and it will be dealt with anyway on the last level of his next game, “Metal Gear Solid Ten: Big roundhouse kick on a plane made of bubblegum and paper clips.” Where Snake smokes and kills all, even you
Chuck Norris Big: The Norris/Boss War
It is not known why these two titans hate each other. One would logically think that they would be great friends, because their combined powers would create a force that nothing in the known universe could stop. Sadly, they do hate one another.
A prequel set sometime in the eighties, Big Boss made a macaroni painting for Chuck Norris, but then Chuck slapped the painting out of his hands and ripped it in a million pieces. Big Boss then vowed to one day kill Chuck Norris if it's the last thing he'll do.
In the year 3010, Big Boss finally came around to challenging Chuck Norris for revenge, as they are both very busy men and this was the only time where they both had spaces in their schedules. They both agreed to fight on the surface of the Jupiter moon Titan, for they knew both that the name was very suiting for their battle, and if they were to fight on the Earth it would more then likely be destroyed.
When they got to the moon, they both bowed honorably and then took their stances. Big Boss launched with a right hook to Chuck Norris’s beard, and the resulting explosion resulted in the destruction of the planetoid they were on. Both embarrassed, they awkwardly shifted to Jupiter’s next moon Io, were the fight resumed. Chuck Norris initiated a devastating left knee to Big Boss’s chest, and hence, Io was gone as well.
Looking around self-consciously to make sure nobody was watching, they both agreered they had better fight on something a little more sturdy then a moon, and chose next to fight on the surface of Jupiter itself. Surely the biggest planet in the solar system could handle their awesomeness right? But alas, when the fight recommenced and Big Boss blocked one of Chuck Norris’s side kicks, Jupiter too exploded in a great ball of fire.
Now both incredibly pissed off they decided to give it one last shot, fighting on the surface of the sun itself. Sure the heat melted their spaceship, so they had to walk back. Finally the fight picked back up where they left off, and they started to circle each other while insulting each other about their respective mothers “fatness”. The childish name calling ended when Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick as hard as he could, at the exact same moment Big Boss did a CQC as hard as he could. Not only was the sun destroyed but the rest of the universe as well... this happens way too often.
Now with nothing left to fight on, they had only one choice, actually talk to each other and settle their differences. After a lengthy three year discussion while they rebuilt the universe, they came to a settlement; Chuck Norris would buy any upcoming Metal Gear games, as long as Big Boss also bought the Walker Texas Ranger box sets. They shook hands and the war ended on that day... well actually it offically ended three days later.
Chuck Norris and Big Boss have been friends ever since. Well… at least they're not at war…
But Big Boss knew that he was better than Chuck Norris, as evident by reading the Big Boss facts. Secondly, The Big Boss/Chuck Norris paradox further supports the theory that Big Boss is better than Chuck Norris. The diagram also suggests Big Boss defeated Chuck Norris. This is true. Big Boss kicked off Chuck Norris's head, blowing up on impact in some area which was later known as The Grand Canyon.