[Nani?]

Stop stealing my job, noob. Just for that, you're dying a horribly painful death. But first, I have clients to attend to.

Starting with Donkey!:

The dream of a Socialist world has finally been realized, and you are employed by Big Brother in New York City, monitoring it's 40 million residence. Due to massive population growth, starvation is widespread, although most people are given green ration wafers in order to help combat it. In one of your investigations, you find out that the special wafers are really processed human flesh. You fall into a batch of the wafers, and then start to run away, where you are rescued by aliens. However, on the alien's desk (aboard their mothership, naturally), you find a special book. You then jump out into space and yell "It's a cook book!", but this comes too late, because your head has already exploded.

NEXT! Thousand Pactio Master:

You are sitting at home, fapping off to child porn as always, and decide "Hey! I should post on AnimeB!" You prepare to log on, and perhaps post something you find witty in the SSF, like "m0lestation is quite good for young'uns", proven by the Beverly Hillbillies, but suddenly, a wild Pedobear appears. You naturally reach for the nearest pokeball, and summon forth your level 100 pikachu, who uses Thunderbolt on Pedobear. However, the thick fur of the angry Pedobear protects him from the lightning, and he mauls pikachu, devouring him like a lunatic devours small mammals. I'm talking to you Ozzy. Anyway, Pedobear then turns angrily to you, and charges, but you are smart enough to stab him with the American flag. However, his corpse causes you to lose balance, and your...happy place...falls into the toaster, setting you on fire, where you burn alone in your home for several hours before being devoured by the monster from Cloverfield.

Miroku: Has to come later.

Pepe: Same with you

Hans: See above.

Nekko: See above the above.

Ederius: See above the above of the below of the above.

Goddess Naru: You haven't been here long enough. I'll only have a generic death for you.

Light Devil: I'm going to be cheap, since you haven't been here that long. I haven't developed enough raw hatred towards you yet.

Now then, you are reading my post, wondering how I can determine the future with my 1337 writing skillz, and suddenly babies, thousands of them. These do not affect you however, since you live in a basement, and have baby-flood insurance. The lights go out, and suddenly you hear a quiet breathing sound come from behind you. Turning around, you suddenly see none other than....MIROKU! Yes, Miroku has been driven to Cannibalism, after getting a taste of Betong's special wafers. Anyway, you throw the computer at him, but it only bounces off his fat stomach at a high velocity, and tears off your leg. You are promptly eaten, digested, and flushed down the toilet, where your remains are eaten by mutant ninja battletoads. I then laugh at you for trying to take my job.