"A New Arrival" reviews and Criticism thread

[Lirik Endivian]

This is, from now on, the thread for any reviews and or criticism on my fanfic. That way, we dont clutter it up too much.

[Mr.Anderson]

Ok, so I've read the first chapter, yes only the first... I'll give a full review of what you have when I've read more. but so far I'm pretty impressed (I'm not going to whine over typos since I'd have to look for those specifically).

[Lirik Endivian]

alright, this is a thingthati am asking my readers.

Option one for chapter six ending-Josun is having a bad dream, and Keitaro tries to wake him up, andJosun punches Keitaro, sending him spiraling onto Naru. She doesnt wakeup, untill he accidently feels her breast. Then, for a moment, she thinks its Josun. Then Josun tunrsthe lights on, and she kicks Keitaro out the wall.

Option two for chapter six endig- same thing, ceptJosun turs on the lights, and puncheshim out the door.

no more spoiler than that! I need a choice by the end of today.

[Lirik Endivian]

sorry for the double post, but no one will notice my edit.

I added chaper six. Decided to usethe endings in chapter seven.

[Ryo Misaki]

To start with... I'm going to have to reference this:
New Arrival

Because there's really not much I can say that Dischord-dono hasn't already.

As far as technical aspect of writing... You get a "Fair to Poor".
...I mean, SPELL CHECK! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!
Any little thing would work... An email site, an email program (Microsoft Outlook?), a word processor (Word, Works, etc), even Firefox with a Dictionary plugin works wonders!
(True story... I use that myself.)

It's not unreadable... but it grates on the nerves whenever you read across numerous typos.
And the 'inner monologue'... whenever a character thinks something, that goes in single quotes, as she said.
Never should it be lumped in with narrative. You change the perspective from third to first person when you do that... Bad form.

That said... All in all, it's not horrible. You did a pretty decent job.
You have a decent premise... And a good potential back story of Josun...

But storyline wise.... So far... Definitely Poor.
I could pick up and read the later half of Love Hina volume 3 and get a better told story.
What you've done, is a very simple "Insertion".

You took the existing storyline, almost verbatim, and literally inserted your own character into the middle of it.
It's practically the lowest form of fanfiction... Mostly due to the absolute lack of originality involved in it...
Furthermore, you don't even portray the interaction of characters very well... It feels as though you don't have a good grasp of how the characters would act in situations... Keitaro was vastly under played, and Naru was mostly out of character.
The others... Were written as exactly per the original chapter.

So... Yeah... A decent start... But it's not up to a great standard yet.
It has potential... Josun is a good character... But it's not working out in this shoddy insertion style.

Improve your spelling and writing style, and move away from the Love Hina script and start being more original.
It'll definitely be better that way.

[Lirik Endivian]

Repsones time to crit:

I know it has spelling errors. It was only until recently i discovered that i had a microsoft works processeor thing

Ive seen several books that do it that way. Besides, i prefer it that way.

Its not that original yet because, for one thing, this i the beginging. Most thigns would be the same then. IF i change it too much, then i end up having to to some major editing to the LH RP, as the major originality would screw that up as well.

I will be adding more originality to it soon enough. But i alos have to use the books as an outline so that i know what went on and i can build from there.

[Ryo Misaki]

How can it take you that long to find something to spell check? <__<
You know, it lowers the standard of your RP posts too... =P

NEVER has a proper book strung an inner thought with a third person description.
Not without modifying with single quotes, or at VERY LEAST, italics.
If it does... Whoever edited the book was an idiot, and whoever published it was a fool!

Well... Beginnings are one thing... But there are myriads of ways to begin something, even without ripping off the source material...
Sure, I was rather n00bish when I started too... Even Ryo originally started out as somewhat of an Insertion...
Except, it had logical origins. (Involving the Tenchi Muyo storyline)
So I never directly copied scenes or anything.

Course, I made him more and more original the longer I developed him. Now I still hold on to those roots, but he's completely originally derived!

As for the RP... Do both the RP and the Story have to be the same Canon?
I always modify my character slightly for whatever RP or situation I place him in. It'd limit my creativity too much if I kept it too tightly bound...
RPs are usually AU (Alternate Universe, or seperate Canon) from the original written storyline of the character. Same thing can be for Josun too. Don't allow something erronous, such as an RP, limit what you do with an original story.

Anyway, like I said before, you have a good premise and start.
It's not horrible... yet. But if you keep on this path, it'll lose value.
If you start diverging now, though (which I think you're doing), you'll be able to save this from just another sad Insertion. =P

Good luck, sir!
Godspeed!

[Lirik Endivian]

This is a pre story leading up to the years before the Rp starts in. (meaning, if i remember the years after the last book we started it in, i have about two years of complete Orginal work to do )

Each book of the love Hina series is a book of my pre-story. It is all the situatiosn that help deveolp the Josun we know in the Rp.

So yes, i have to have some limitations

[Godess Naru]

It was just super! liked it very much! it was soooo funny! especially the last part and the part with Mutsumi! i liked the complete chapter 7! so, sorry, i cannot tell you any bad things, critics, about the chapter or abou the whole story!

[God Keitaro]

wau! cool long chapter. i think, one of the best ever! as my english is not the best i could not understand everything. But it was easy enough that i understood 95% of all words..
Well done, man!

[CBHans1]

It was awesome! I like to read stories which gives you pictures in your head of the situation at once you start to read, and this fanfic make me do just that!
Superb!

[Lirik Endivian]

I thank you all for your reviews.

Chapter 8 will be done sometime today. And, due to recent events, I am dedicating it to God Keitaro.

[CBHans1]

Woaa! Chapter 8 was great! It was nice of you to bring Reza and Sakura into it! It made it even better! You have a lot of talent Josun!

[God Keitaro]

i wrote you already a comment to your profile, but again: thanks! hahaha! very funny and good! we enjoyed it! thanks!